Re: HEY GUYYYYYS!

in a state of reckless delirium this morning, i cracked open a can of campbell's chunky beef w/ country vegetable soup at 10:30 AM in hope of eliminating what was sure to be a debilitating hangover (much to my pleasant surprise and after getting over the fact that i was heating up soup at 10:30 AM on a saturday when i wasn't sick, it's proven quite effective; thank YOU, donovan mcnabb's mom!). while watching the soup slowly but surely bubble in the microwave, it dawned on me that a friend of mine has a birthday coming up and i wanted to send him/her something for his/her upcoming birthday, so i started writing him/her email that read, "hey, what's your mailing address?"

a few minutes later, i fired this baby out to 29 others. rather than comb through names, i'd like to offer this up to the rest of you.

you're welcome.

and no, andrea-- i'm not getting married.


Subj: HEY GUYYYYYS!

i'm coming off a bit of a hazy evening of unhealthy consumption and unwarranted self-destruction, so i'm doing everything i can to ride the last waves of residual stimulants charging through my veins like a stampede of buffalo being ridden by mark ruffalo by doing a little organizational work. that being said, i am kindly requesting your phone number and mailing address. i know what you're all probably thinking, so let me go ahead and address this now:

1) it's not so i can come hunt you down; while fun, this would cost me a lot of money, especially in the case of those of you who are across the country (and the planet). given the current economic climate, it wouldn't necessarily be the most fiscally responsible course of action for me to spend a bunch of money on plane tickets, night-vision goggles, chloroform and burlap sacks. now that you know i have no plans of kidnapping you or any realistic sense of what it would take to carry out such a mission, please reply with said information.

2) although i'm sure you're flattered, and stalking IS the most sincere form of flattery, i'm simply too exhausted to come hunt you down today. don't take it personally, it's just that my mouth tastes like i drank gasoline last night, and since i have no empirical evidence to prove that i DIDN'T drink gasoline last night, i have to move forward in life with the assumption that i did in fact drink gasoline last night. so, no fire eating for me today.

3) this is easier than filling out the census form, takes less time, and is considerably more fun. plus, you never know what you might receive from me... you might even get MY census form! (but if you do, please fill it out. i don't want to go to jail.) i'll also accept favorite animals, proverbs, and sports betting advice.

whether i've seen you in the past 24 hours (if i have, there's a pretty good chance i don't remember, but if i did something to offend or rub you the wrong way last night, please accept this letter as a heartfelt apology, and when i say heartfelt, i mean indie romance montage with obscure b-sides, not one of those "mom made me apologize to my little brother after i pushed him down the stairs when we were kids, but i pretty much--no, completely phoned it in, tell him to stay the fuck out of my baseball cards" apologies) or we haven't spoken in years, i'm hoping that this email provides me with a steady stream of responses in which i will catch up with each and every one of you in a uniquely positive and constructive manner that benefits both of us. i've even taken the liberty of BCCing everyone, because i know a few of you are probably the type who'd start replying to all and writing "poo" or "boobies" or "eating macaroni," and while i certainly appreciate that on a deepest of levels, i simply don't trust your collective maturity. and besides, that's my job. shit sandwich.

bless all your little hearts, and i hope we get to see each other soon, ideally not under conditions involving hostage negotiation, but instead holding hands along a very tall mountain ridge, singing songs of hope and maybe the entirety of the kink's village green preservation society LP.

kisses and tacos,
mike

p.s.: this isn't a threat, but if you don't reply to this email, i will not have your address... but what I will have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a reasonably young career. skills that make me a minor nuisance for people like you. if you give me your address, that'll be the end of it. i will not look for you, i will not pursue you. but if you don't, i will look for you, i will find you, and i will get you to tell me your address.

p.s. #2: josh, obviously i have your address. i just wanted you to see what how i'm occupying myself while you're off on your 'smoking weed across europe 2010 tour'. come home, america needs you more than ever.