i met someone.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
superblog XLII
bill simmons gets paid a lot more than me to crack wise with his stream of consciousness during major sporting events, but know what? i finished ahead of him in the kimmel staff march madness pool last year (top ten, in case you were wondering), so i practically feel obligated to do this. i may even resort to touching upon the actual game (don't get your hopes up, though).
42 Notes on Super Bowl XLII
1. i've been betting a ten spot on the coin toss since SB38 in 2004, when i first realized that that was an option (i've since learned that you can bet on far more specific and questionable super bowl occurrences). i've never won; four years running. this year, i've consulted an outside source who's been nothing but great for me the last week (separate blog, see: near future), and we're going with heads.
2. i've been betting on the super bowl since SB36 in 2002, when i took the "greatest show on turf" rams giving a pair of touchdowns to tom 'tuck rule' brady and the upstart patriots. the rest is history, america, fuck yeah! i've been talking giants nonstop the last two weeks, but i cop out at the last minute because there's no way that happens to me and millions of other degenerate gamblers twice. pats giving 12.5. always fun to root for a blowout.
2.5. i consider the possibility of eli manning leading the giants to victory, much like brady did in 2002 for his first ring. say this happened, and we as football fans were thrust into an era of montana-esque dominance by peyton's slightly-more-retarded little brother? it'd be like bush taking over the white house in 2000. don't say i didn't warn you.
3. if you're drinking, take a swig for every time you see or hear anything about:
-pat tillman
-tom brady/terry bradshaw
-spygate
-the 1972 dolphins
-fox series cast members (all of whom happen to be at the game, sitting near each other, and sharing nachos)
4. i sprint to vons to buy tortillas and chips. i get back immediately following the coin toss, almost winded. 0 for 5. girl's got some 'splaining to do.
5. josh made us a super bowl cake; it's exactly what it sounds like. i get lit and eat a few dozen gum drops, imagining they're cars in the parking lot.
6. godfather ad by audi: fantastic. sure, i was secretly hoping for it to be an ironic ad for hyundai or kia (do they still make those?), but i must say: one sexy car (you know, if people had could have sex with cars). don't hold your breath.
7. pepsi's 'night at the roxbury' spot is an early favorite. are you surprised by the fact that they couldn't get will ferrell?
8. brent accuses josh of being a racist:
"just because i'm mexican, you assume i like tacos?"
"yup. do you like tacos?"
"yeah."
i intervene: "josh, you're jewish, do you like money?"
9. brent asks me why i'm compulsively typing away on my iphone. i tell him i've been obsessively jotting down material (anything i find remotely interesting) for a potential stand-up routine; somehow, i've now promised him one percent of my lifetime DVD sales. thankfully, probably not happening (neither of those.)
10. we're pausing the game to crack beers outside and barbecue. we're pausing the commercials to hotbox the bathroom. with all this pausing, we very may well find out who won the super bowl an hour and a half later than the rest of society. (thankfully, there end up being myriad skip-worthy commercials about native american gambling propositions and pharmaceuticals which catch us up by halftime.)
11. the cheaply animated racist in me is glad title sponsor salesgenie.com isn't above cheaply animated, racially insensitive commercials.
12. noah politely requests that i put a straw in a beer and chug it with my mouth completely around the top of the bottle and the straw sticking out sideways. it can't be more than 2 seconds. why didn't i know about this?! to quote myself, channeling ray charles one fateful night last year, "i feel like i'm seeing things for the first time, and i'm at a really good halloween carnival."
13. 'under armour: the movie' premieres. it's long, it's intense, it's a bunch of jacked dudes training in textbook locations from early '90's music videos. it's 300 meets gridiron gang, and it's hilarious.
14. brent, michael and myself are all wearing blue shirts. arin's wearing brown. to answer her question, no, she cannot sit on the couch.
15. arin jokingly asks who's playing. why can't we not take these things up a notch? ac milan-arsenal. lakers-sonics. the all-time negro league all-stars versus the raleigh, north carolina AYSO 8-9 year old boys & girls soccer team.
16. smirky kimmel writer will burke appears at the end of one of the funnier spots so far (what is it about screaming animals that really does it for me?). i don't even remember the ad right now, but at this point, it's the loudest i've yelled. i jump up from the couch and present company looks at me all funnylike.
17. fedex pigeon commercial: winner. sure, super bowl ads are always animal-heavy, today being far from an exception. it isn't typical, however, for these ads to be giant-birds-dropping-giant-cargo-on-traffic-heavy... and not nearly typical enough.
18. i can't wait to find someone at work with a stain on their shirt tomorrow and mimic everything they say with a rendition of robin williams vomiting loudly.
19. here's what i'd like to know: if your heart pops out of your chest, how the fuck are you supposed to sit back and watch as it storms into your boss's office and quits your job for you? (and why doesn't it leave bloody little footsteps with it's presumably bloody little feet?)
20. not quite beyonce, not quite vitamin water.
21. planters commercial. uni-browed redhead. peanuts in cleavage. peanuts everywhere. i may never eat planters nuts again. mr. peanut must be rolling in his grave. good thing i've already thought up a few "things that start with 'e' and 'n' enjoy emerald nuts" spots.
22. hi. that was a fucking push-off.
23. i've yet to solve the mystery of picking my perfect threesome to get stoned with. charles barkley might not make it to the final 3, but he'd make a run. i can also now say i'd pay the price of admission to see him and dwayne wade in a chick flick together.
24. josh reminds me of the brief period of our college experience best distinguished by the presence of literally a truckload of "promotional" doritos rollitos chips in our house (these were a potential new snack being tested on college kids, josh was to be administering them, but somehow, 99% of them ended up back at our place). i suggest he works in pinkberry's marketing department.
25. if you've ever watched one single quarter of any game with me, you know one of my all-time favorites from the pigskin vernacular is "football move" (i.e. a receiver must make a football move after catching a pass and controlling the ball before it can be stripped and ruled a fumble; otherwise, the play is ruled an incomplete pass). when i think of football moves, i think about striking the heisman pose, the ol' huck-n'-buck, and so on. what if a back were to catch a screen pass, break it to the outside and finger-roll the ball into the endzone? basketball move. how about a (ridiculously open) receiver catching a pass near the sideline and getting rachel nichols' hotel key before he steps out? smooth move. i'm sure that's happened several times. avoid eye contact, gonorrhea of the eye is very, very real.
26. josh tells me fox's trademark, running-in-place, football-playing robot is named (drumroll)... CLETUS. if this name elicits anything other than the slack-jawed yokel of simpsons fame, i'm probably scared of you (or at least would like a back story). is this some sort of newscorp premonition of a future rise to world-domination by the south?
27. brent insists the robot's name is MO-ANTHONY. in what may be the first-ever serious talk i've had about parenting, we discuss how fun it would be to intentionally raise one child of yours as if he were a gang member-in-training from a rough neighborhood, encouraging a lifestyle riddled with sex, drugs and crime... all while bringing your other kids up to be decent, law-abiding, gap-wearing citizens.
28. unpolished ads confronting teenaged drug dealers are definitely somewhere near the bottom of my funniest SB ad genres list. at least give me a talking ferret with some insight on cocaine use during pregnancy or a motherly hen imploring me not to drive drunk.
29. michael gives me shit for wanting to watch the halftime show (it had been initially considered for fast-forward time in order to get back live). it's not that i'd rather watch tom petty than potentially funny commercials; i simply want to watch tom petty. guy's awesome. and he opens with 'american girl,' backed by what appear to be a band of hobos. petty's the lead hobo. he gets the first bite of the half-eaten dumpster apple every night.
30. something to consider: 2004: justin timberlake introduces the world to janet jackson's right boob. 2005: paul mccartney rubs one out under his piano (ok, that was made up; i'm not even sure if he played a piano). 2007: a silhouetted prince holds his iconic guitar suggestively behind a wall of billowing fabric. 2008: an awfully phallic guitar penetrates a heart where petty and his bandmates are playing. i know the super bowl makes me sexually excited, but really? i never noticed how slowly but surely sporting events have become TV-MA.
31. did i mention we hotboxed the bathroom just in time for the halftime show? good call.
32. we hit up espn to watch ice dancing or division II biathlon regionals or whatever the fuck anyone else watches today. what the fuck else do people (theoretically) watch during the big game? i wonder if anyone would even notice if CBS started broadcasting a two-hour, heavily-produced porno at 4:00 PST on super sunday. turns out some folks (again, theoretically) watch the strongman competition. we're watching a sta-puft norwegian beast name ODD do squats with two small cars serving as weight. i can do that, i just don't want to.
33. osi umenyiora (giants' defensive end). almost sounds like "human gyro." or was it "human hero"? which would you rather eat: a human gyro, or a human hero?
34. i confide to brent that were i forced to change my name to brent or brentrelle, i'd go with the latter. everything's cooler when you just add -trelle.
josh, joshtrelle.
noah, no'trelle.
mike, miketrelle.
ok, maybe not everything.
35. referee mike carey might not be on the ball with his flag-tossing (see: declaring the giants as having 12 men on the field for a punt, removing flag from belt, enthusiastically dropping flag, penalizing the giants five yards, picking up flag), he knows his signals--he doesn't "make" signals, the man performs them... with all the grace of a gay black magician. he can come play charades at our place any time he wants.
36. leave it to the geniuses at bud light (the hit-or-miss ad-makers) to have a black guy soar through the sky (after drinking watered down piss)...and get sucked into an airliner's engine. at least they got jj abrams to direct the ad; the guy survives. (but why'd they put him in an airport? if you could fly, i'd imagine you could fly direct.)
37. smiles all around trophy for the day: parade balloon stewie and parade balloon underdog go at it for a parade balloon coke, and parade balloon charlie brown comes out of nowhere to snag it. of all the mothafuckin' parade balloons i know, he's the mothafuckest.
38. about as into an ad as i can get: big black dog furiously laps up every last drop of water from his bowl. gatorade: man's best friend. word. i could watch this ad for an hour, no prob.
39. note to bud light: cast will ferrell in as many ads as possible. suck one.
40. victoria's secret model playing with a football (which very well could be mine, or yours, or anyone's!): the most pleasant 30 seconds of my afternoon. happy valentine's day, indeed. when's that again?
40.5. i'm pretty sure donkeylips from salute your shorts just used nipple clamps...on himself. thanks to steve francisco for confirming this via txt. i've completely forgotten about that victoria's secret ad. she was hot, right?
41. eli just pulled one of the all-time great super bowl plays out of his ass. i'm not saying this lightly, either: he reached up there, felt around, had a cup of coffee and read the sunday funnies, then extracted it. meanwhile, i'm humbly eating my words, one by one, yet again.
42. giants 17, pats 14. mercury morris, you can pop your champagne.
42.5. board up your windows and buy some groceries; hurricane eli is here.
42.6. if tom brady is in fact straight, gisele won't be doing much walking tomorrow.
white out.
42 Notes on Super Bowl XLII
1. i've been betting a ten spot on the coin toss since SB38 in 2004, when i first realized that that was an option (i've since learned that you can bet on far more specific and questionable super bowl occurrences). i've never won; four years running. this year, i've consulted an outside source who's been nothing but great for me the last week (separate blog, see: near future), and we're going with heads.
2. i've been betting on the super bowl since SB36 in 2002, when i took the "greatest show on turf" rams giving a pair of touchdowns to tom 'tuck rule' brady and the upstart patriots. the rest is history, america, fuck yeah! i've been talking giants nonstop the last two weeks, but i cop out at the last minute because there's no way that happens to me and millions of other degenerate gamblers twice. pats giving 12.5. always fun to root for a blowout.
2.5. i consider the possibility of eli manning leading the giants to victory, much like brady did in 2002 for his first ring. say this happened, and we as football fans were thrust into an era of montana-esque dominance by peyton's slightly-more-retarded little brother? it'd be like bush taking over the white house in 2000. don't say i didn't warn you.
3. if you're drinking, take a swig for every time you see or hear anything about:
-pat tillman
-tom brady/terry bradshaw
-spygate
-the 1972 dolphins
-fox series cast members (all of whom happen to be at the game, sitting near each other, and sharing nachos)
4. i sprint to vons to buy tortillas and chips. i get back immediately following the coin toss, almost winded. 0 for 5. girl's got some 'splaining to do.
5. josh made us a super bowl cake; it's exactly what it sounds like. i get lit and eat a few dozen gum drops, imagining they're cars in the parking lot.
6. godfather ad by audi: fantastic. sure, i was secretly hoping for it to be an ironic ad for hyundai or kia (do they still make those?), but i must say: one sexy car (you know, if people had could have sex with cars). don't hold your breath.
7. pepsi's 'night at the roxbury' spot is an early favorite. are you surprised by the fact that they couldn't get will ferrell?
8. brent accuses josh of being a racist:
"just because i'm mexican, you assume i like tacos?"
"yup. do you like tacos?"
"yeah."
i intervene: "josh, you're jewish, do you like money?"
9. brent asks me why i'm compulsively typing away on my iphone. i tell him i've been obsessively jotting down material (anything i find remotely interesting) for a potential stand-up routine; somehow, i've now promised him one percent of my lifetime DVD sales. thankfully, probably not happening (neither of those.)
10. we're pausing the game to crack beers outside and barbecue. we're pausing the commercials to hotbox the bathroom. with all this pausing, we very may well find out who won the super bowl an hour and a half later than the rest of society. (thankfully, there end up being myriad skip-worthy commercials about native american gambling propositions and pharmaceuticals which catch us up by halftime.)
11. the cheaply animated racist in me is glad title sponsor salesgenie.com isn't above cheaply animated, racially insensitive commercials.
12. noah politely requests that i put a straw in a beer and chug it with my mouth completely around the top of the bottle and the straw sticking out sideways. it can't be more than 2 seconds. why didn't i know about this?! to quote myself, channeling ray charles one fateful night last year, "i feel like i'm seeing things for the first time, and i'm at a really good halloween carnival."
13. 'under armour: the movie' premieres. it's long, it's intense, it's a bunch of jacked dudes training in textbook locations from early '90's music videos. it's 300 meets gridiron gang, and it's hilarious.
14. brent, michael and myself are all wearing blue shirts. arin's wearing brown. to answer her question, no, she cannot sit on the couch.
15. arin jokingly asks who's playing. why can't we not take these things up a notch? ac milan-arsenal. lakers-sonics. the all-time negro league all-stars versus the raleigh, north carolina AYSO 8-9 year old boys & girls soccer team.
16. smirky kimmel writer will burke appears at the end of one of the funnier spots so far (what is it about screaming animals that really does it for me?). i don't even remember the ad right now, but at this point, it's the loudest i've yelled. i jump up from the couch and present company looks at me all funnylike.
17. fedex pigeon commercial: winner. sure, super bowl ads are always animal-heavy, today being far from an exception. it isn't typical, however, for these ads to be giant-birds-dropping-giant-cargo-on-traffic-heavy... and not nearly typical enough.
18. i can't wait to find someone at work with a stain on their shirt tomorrow and mimic everything they say with a rendition of robin williams vomiting loudly.
19. here's what i'd like to know: if your heart pops out of your chest, how the fuck are you supposed to sit back and watch as it storms into your boss's office and quits your job for you? (and why doesn't it leave bloody little footsteps with it's presumably bloody little feet?)
20. not quite beyonce, not quite vitamin water.
21. planters commercial. uni-browed redhead. peanuts in cleavage. peanuts everywhere. i may never eat planters nuts again. mr. peanut must be rolling in his grave. good thing i've already thought up a few "things that start with 'e' and 'n' enjoy emerald nuts" spots.
22. hi. that was a fucking push-off.
23. i've yet to solve the mystery of picking my perfect threesome to get stoned with. charles barkley might not make it to the final 3, but he'd make a run. i can also now say i'd pay the price of admission to see him and dwayne wade in a chick flick together.
24. josh reminds me of the brief period of our college experience best distinguished by the presence of literally a truckload of "promotional" doritos rollitos chips in our house (these were a potential new snack being tested on college kids, josh was to be administering them, but somehow, 99% of them ended up back at our place). i suggest he works in pinkberry's marketing department.
25. if you've ever watched one single quarter of any game with me, you know one of my all-time favorites from the pigskin vernacular is "football move" (i.e. a receiver must make a football move after catching a pass and controlling the ball before it can be stripped and ruled a fumble; otherwise, the play is ruled an incomplete pass). when i think of football moves, i think about striking the heisman pose, the ol' huck-n'-buck, and so on. what if a back were to catch a screen pass, break it to the outside and finger-roll the ball into the endzone? basketball move. how about a (ridiculously open) receiver catching a pass near the sideline and getting rachel nichols' hotel key before he steps out? smooth move. i'm sure that's happened several times. avoid eye contact, gonorrhea of the eye is very, very real.
26. josh tells me fox's trademark, running-in-place, football-playing robot is named (drumroll)... CLETUS. if this name elicits anything other than the slack-jawed yokel of simpsons fame, i'm probably scared of you (or at least would like a back story). is this some sort of newscorp premonition of a future rise to world-domination by the south?
27. brent insists the robot's name is MO-ANTHONY. in what may be the first-ever serious talk i've had about parenting, we discuss how fun it would be to intentionally raise one child of yours as if he were a gang member-in-training from a rough neighborhood, encouraging a lifestyle riddled with sex, drugs and crime... all while bringing your other kids up to be decent, law-abiding, gap-wearing citizens.
28. unpolished ads confronting teenaged drug dealers are definitely somewhere near the bottom of my funniest SB ad genres list. at least give me a talking ferret with some insight on cocaine use during pregnancy or a motherly hen imploring me not to drive drunk.
29. michael gives me shit for wanting to watch the halftime show (it had been initially considered for fast-forward time in order to get back live). it's not that i'd rather watch tom petty than potentially funny commercials; i simply want to watch tom petty. guy's awesome. and he opens with 'american girl,' backed by what appear to be a band of hobos. petty's the lead hobo. he gets the first bite of the half-eaten dumpster apple every night.
30. something to consider: 2004: justin timberlake introduces the world to janet jackson's right boob. 2005: paul mccartney rubs one out under his piano (ok, that was made up; i'm not even sure if he played a piano). 2007: a silhouetted prince holds his iconic guitar suggestively behind a wall of billowing fabric. 2008: an awfully phallic guitar penetrates a heart where petty and his bandmates are playing. i know the super bowl makes me sexually excited, but really? i never noticed how slowly but surely sporting events have become TV-MA.
31. did i mention we hotboxed the bathroom just in time for the halftime show? good call.
32. we hit up espn to watch ice dancing or division II biathlon regionals or whatever the fuck anyone else watches today. what the fuck else do people (theoretically) watch during the big game? i wonder if anyone would even notice if CBS started broadcasting a two-hour, heavily-produced porno at 4:00 PST on super sunday. turns out some folks (again, theoretically) watch the strongman competition. we're watching a sta-puft norwegian beast name ODD do squats with two small cars serving as weight. i can do that, i just don't want to.
33. osi umenyiora (giants' defensive end). almost sounds like "human gyro." or was it "human hero"? which would you rather eat: a human gyro, or a human hero?
34. i confide to brent that were i forced to change my name to brent or brentrelle, i'd go with the latter. everything's cooler when you just add -trelle.
josh, joshtrelle.
noah, no'trelle.
mike, miketrelle.
ok, maybe not everything.
35. referee mike carey might not be on the ball with his flag-tossing (see: declaring the giants as having 12 men on the field for a punt, removing flag from belt, enthusiastically dropping flag, penalizing the giants five yards, picking up flag), he knows his signals--he doesn't "make" signals, the man performs them... with all the grace of a gay black magician. he can come play charades at our place any time he wants.
36. leave it to the geniuses at bud light (the hit-or-miss ad-makers) to have a black guy soar through the sky (after drinking watered down piss)...and get sucked into an airliner's engine. at least they got jj abrams to direct the ad; the guy survives. (but why'd they put him in an airport? if you could fly, i'd imagine you could fly direct.)
37. smiles all around trophy for the day: parade balloon stewie and parade balloon underdog go at it for a parade balloon coke, and parade balloon charlie brown comes out of nowhere to snag it. of all the mothafuckin' parade balloons i know, he's the mothafuckest.
38. about as into an ad as i can get: big black dog furiously laps up every last drop of water from his bowl. gatorade: man's best friend. word. i could watch this ad for an hour, no prob.
39. note to bud light: cast will ferrell in as many ads as possible. suck one.
40. victoria's secret model playing with a football (which very well could be mine, or yours, or anyone's!): the most pleasant 30 seconds of my afternoon. happy valentine's day, indeed. when's that again?
40.5. i'm pretty sure donkeylips from salute your shorts just used nipple clamps...on himself. thanks to steve francisco for confirming this via txt. i've completely forgotten about that victoria's secret ad. she was hot, right?
41. eli just pulled one of the all-time great super bowl plays out of his ass. i'm not saying this lightly, either: he reached up there, felt around, had a cup of coffee and read the sunday funnies, then extracted it. meanwhile, i'm humbly eating my words, one by one, yet again.
42. giants 17, pats 14. mercury morris, you can pop your champagne.
42.5. board up your windows and buy some groceries; hurricane eli is here.
42.6. if tom brady is in fact straight, gisele won't be doing much walking tomorrow.
white out.
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